a colored spectrum

ash kitty

the state land behind my house caught fire again!
it's the 2nd fire in 3 days! what has the SCDF been doing? *screams*
now my hse is dusty with ash. burnt leaves flying around.
a whole lot of mosquitos.
and i smell smoked regardless of the number of times i bathe!!!

ash kitty. grey, smokey and itchy. the ash is irritating my skin!
*scratch scratch all over*

i wanna watch White Noise, Closer (Jude Law. Julia Roberts), Hide And Seek (Robert De Niro. Dakota Fanning). anyone interested? gimme a buzz yah.
i enjoy suspense thrillers though i often can't sleep after that.
some people simply love to pay and scare the wits out of themselves. muahahah!

Josh's been pretty busy with studies lately, that he's got no time for me!
and so i am mad at him. call me a not-understanding girlfriend, call me tyrannic.
end of the day, i am a girl. i need love, i need attention, i need security.

he doesn't date me anymore.
he doesn't call me out for movie, or dinner or just chill out.
he doesn't plan any surprises. too many "doesn't"s.

everytime he suggest movie during weekends, i lament that it's expensive.
during weekdays, we can't stay out late.
he suggest going to the beach, i complain that it's hot.
he suggest staying at home, i don't like that idea.
the result: we get nowhere. i get pissed. he gets confused.

the relationship now lacks lustre. the sparks are long gone, what's left are ashes and smoke.
i find it hard to communicate with him.
he doesn't know when i'm pissed, and he can't coax me out of it.
he doesn't know when be more masculine; when to be more sensitive.
i've failed in many ways to make him feel better abotu himself too.
i alwiz put him down for the sake of being sarcastic.

why can't life be simpler?
maybe if i treat him the same way i treat my friends, this rship would be a whole lot better.
i give in to my friends, i am diplomatic enough to be liked by people, i am thoughtful.
even if i don't wanna watch Constantine, i agreed to watch it with Luke coz we've not been out together in ages. a good time to catch up.
thus, if i treat Joshua the same way as i treat my good friends...
it'll be much better for him emotionally. and the same for me.

well, i used to be much sweeter and nicer to him. that was when we were friends.
but as time passed, i got more demanding and irritable.
i'll flare when i don't get what i want (without specifying what i want or knowing what i want)
i'll flare when he hugs me when i'm all hot and perspiring.
i'll flare when he messes up my time schedule or when he's acting childish.
i'll just probably snap at everything he does. in retrospect, it's emotional abuse.

maybe it's really time to treat him just as a good friend, rather than a boyfriend.
of course though still remaing as a couple. i meant changing my perspectives.
i know what i am so harsh, mean and demanding on him.
and it's not the first time i am acting this way.

the last time i behaved like this was when i was angry at my Dad in Sec 3-4.
i was angry at him breaking promises about taking me out.
i was angry at him spending time with his girlfriend when he is with me.
i was angry that he was so busy with work that i hardly get to see him.
i refused to understand my Dad's circumstances and position.
i refused to understand that he's trying his best to provide for the family.
i refused to understand that he's human too. he's physically and emotionally tired.
i was just being stubborn.

this time, i'm angry with Joshua. and i am being stubborn again.
i refused to acknowledge that he is struggling with his studies having done badly last sem.
i refused to acknowledge that he can't my mind and my moods coz he is not me.
i refused to love him for his innocence and childishness.

in the case of my Dad, it took a long while to not be angry at him.
he wanted to throw me for counselling. i learnt to open up and share with him.
i cried, he cried. i know i wasn't supposed to me angry at him.
he didn't want to upset me either. just that we all got to do what we got to do.
all for livelihood and family. we work. we endure, we achieve.
my Dad's a great father. he may not be the best husband, but he sure is the loveliest Dad.

with Joshua, i don't know when will i stop being angry at him.
but a good small step to start of with is by stop insisting on my expectations.
letting go of control over how things should be and handing the reigns over to God.
in Him in trust.

posted by Veen @ 14:00